Actual article from the LA Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomazewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously
wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our
gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my
cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't
come out again, so i peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking
the light might attract him."
At a hushed press confrence, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and
severly burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and
whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the
intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to
his anus and lower intestinal tract.

EDITOR'S NOTES:
Top Nine Scariest Things About This Story
9: " I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
8: "So I peered in to the tube..." (I'm sorry, but thats like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun).
7: That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
being shot out of a guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky
& Bullwinkle.
6: Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
5: People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas
in their rectums.
4: People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would
have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromanical, anal sex
fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with charcoal lighter
fluid before admitting the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just
can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying: "Well Doc, it's like
this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took a
cardboard tube ..."
3: "First and Second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And
the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible
scents on the face of God's green earth.
2: People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
1: What kind of hospital would hold a press confrence on this?