Why We Didn't Do It

To My Dear Wife,



   During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I

 have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed

 often.



   1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times

   2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times

   3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times

   4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times

   5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

   6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times

   7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times

   8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes

   9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times

   10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times

   11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times

   12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times

   13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times

   14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times

   15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times

   16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

   17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times



   Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory

 because 2 times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there

 was a crack in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it

 over with, 2 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had

 finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.





   To My Dear Husband,



 I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the

 real reasons you did not get it more often than you did.



   1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times

   2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times

   3. Did not cum. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times

   4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times

   5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times

   6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times

   7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times

   8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times

   9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times

   10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times

   11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times

   12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times

   13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times

   14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times

   15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times

   16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times



 Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because

 you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the

 ceiling.  What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling.

 The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to

 breathe!!